I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
