Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
