Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
