Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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