Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
