i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
