Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
