so explain again why im purple
no
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
