you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
