my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
