Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
