Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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