i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
