he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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