Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
