Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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