Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
