If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
