you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
