Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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