figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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