My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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