Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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