He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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