oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
