I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
