I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
