Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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