Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just had sex on a roof
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
