How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
