I want to have your abortion
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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