Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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