Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
