Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
