So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
