I CAN MOONWALK!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
