I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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