forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
