how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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