i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
