just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
