I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
