we have pet lesbian snakes
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
