dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
