This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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