Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
