Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
