New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
