I cockslap morals
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Text me some of your sweat
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