It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
