I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
