there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
